Recycled Bullsh-IT

Are you are feeling the rear-end discomfort of another shafting by someone who is either already ahead of you in business, or is elbowing their way past you to join them? So how is it when we read those puff pieces about the n Habits of Successful People they don’t sound anything like the b’stards we are actually dealing with in positions of power? I feel another irreverent list coming on – here are my 7 Profoundly Irritating Habits of Superficially Successful Sh*ts People:

 1.      Superiority: The first sign of an SSS is their swagger. They believe themselves to be chosen (actually self-selected); part of the master race born to rule over us minions. Even spending time in our presence is a chore to them, or we could infect them with our obvious stupidity and poor taste. Their natural state is above us both figuratively and preferably actually from higher executive floors or jets.

2.      Greed: They are very good with money. Preferably yours. Which becomes theirs. Somehow your cash/budget/revenue magically transfer from your pockets or projects to their PowerPoints and purses. Ignoring cries of witchcraft or theft, they will coolly stroll away with their trouser pockets bulging – and not because they are pleased to see you.

3.      Hate: Universal love and group hugs may be back in back in vogue, but to an SSS getting close to anyone is just to pick their pockets or stab them in the back. They tend hate those who are more successful than them, despise people who are less successful, and are vehemently opposed to those other SSSs trying to do to them what they are doing to others.

4.      Manipulation: Making you do something you don’t want to do is second nature to them. They have a whole armoury of mental and physical tricks to force you into compromising positions, and have the Snapchats to prove it.

5.      Lying: Most people struggle to tell even small untruths or white lies without blushing or scratching their nose. An SSS can lie for England and has the knack of remembering what fibs have been said to whom, as well as keep a straight face and body while doing so. For many SSSs lying becomes a way of life (as well as an increasing necessity until they reach the top), as well as a valuable way of supporting their other traits.

6.      Selfishness: Selfishness differs from greed in that it is not about the accumulation of wealth but the promotion of themselves, e.g. to get the spare ticket to the cup final, or the top award at the black-tie dinner. Of course, they will always be honoured and delighted when this happens, carefully hiding the subterfuge they used to make it so.

7.      Derogation: Means both ignoring the rule of law (that’s for little people) AND treating those same little people with disdain. To be good at this you need to know the rules and the people to relish breaking both of them. 

 What about Karma and justice? Many of them are adept doing a Macavity when the misdemeanour is spotted or brandishing their Teflon umbrella to leave the smelly fallout dripping down your neck instead. Best to imagine their afterlife or next life will bring justice, just desserts, or at least just deserts.

 The typical saintly habits spouted in these pseudo-psychology feel-good articles are normally made up by dreamy enlightened folk or dictated between howls of cackling laughter by the SSSs to their sycophantic lackeys as a complete p*sstake.

 That’s not to say that idealised positive habits shouldn’t be aspired to or adopted. Far from it. The world would be a better place if we all conducted ourselves in a better way. It’s just that we shouldn’t delude ourselves that we will naturally be promoted to a top position because we are good at our jobs and nice to other people.

John ‘Knife to meet you’ Moe