Recycled Bullsh-IT

Apparently, the fashionable thing to do with your computing now is to uncloud it, because cloud is, like, so PaaS-é innit? But is it in to outsource, or should you go all out to insource?  

If you want to be an IT trendoid rather than an android, use this Recycle-IT checklist to impress your gullible cow-orkers and leadershITs:

• Un-clouding – moving systems you painfully moved to the cloud back again when you discover it’s not as cheap or safe as you thought (or more likely didn’t think about)
• Un-source – stop the cycle of insourcing/outsourcing by, um, rightsourcing (i.e. whatever you didn’t do last time)
• Not-work – surreptitiously reduce the bandwidth for your lazy sports/Facebook/porno-addicted colleagues until they have to look away from their screen and do some real work
• Dis-internet – No internet access = massive productivity growth. If Un-networking doesn’t work
• Un-PC – get some real work done by ditching the computers, if neither of the above succeed
• Defenestration – Move your users from Windows to browser-only apps to find out what defenestration really means
• Data Prevention – delete all your customer data to save all the DPA/GDPR hassle and get them to tell who they are and what they want every time they call you
• Gree-DPR – A Y2K-sized bonanza for the consultancies and doomsayers to fleece you with
• In-security – you don’t need to bother with all the anti-virus, DLP, firewall paraphernalia, if you apply Data Prevention and Dis-internet principles to avoid the Spectre of Meltdown
• Also-Ransomware –New growth industry we can all make some money from thanks to the NSA’s toys appearing in the wild
• Fu-ITIL – Your service is still rubbish so put away your process diagrams and just fix the goddamn problem
• Con-pliance – no one’s going to check so just tick the box anyway
• Un-apple-tising – halve your mobile costs by replacing everyone’s iPhones with Nokia 3310s
• Den-iPad – Stop taking the tablets
• Sub-surface – a laptop pretending to be a tablet is worse at both
• Dis-agility – stop hacking code like a headless chicken by ditching agile: remember slow code is good code…
• No-no-no-no code – …low to no code is even better
• Un-relational DB – stop caring about how to store your data by going back to punched cards which you can shuffle on quiet nights
• No-SQL – sequels are invariably worse than the originals
• De-vops – get back to designing and developing code to work first time so you don’t need 5 releases a day
• ID-IoT – so a bunch of disparate and remote microservices will work seamlessly and securely will they?
• D-email – apparently email is actually the most productivity-destroying tech ever invented, so ditch it, talk to someone or do something instead of reading and writing meaningless tosh
• Wipe the Skype – stop pretending the internet is a telephone line; go back to real phones so people can hear you properly
• NO-365 – so you want to pay £20/month forever for some bloated office software to replace the slightly less bloated software that you bought a few years ago which is still perfectly adequate for the limited typing you do? 
• Un-diversity – replace all employees with robots to remove yourself from the gender/race/colour/disability traps and pressures
• No-bots – replace robots with real people to preserve their dignity. Wait…
• In-digital-estible – ditch your digital transformation and spend the massive savings on building the right products that people want
• Un-app-etising – no we do not need an app for that! 
• Omni-charnel – Your cu*tomers are unhappy you’ve been digit-ally interacting with them, so pull your finger out as they haven’t enjoyed the experience
• Cookie-cutter – people are getting wise to you leaving droppings on their browsers to track them (see omni-charnel)
• Machine-spurning – remember Artificial Intelligence is still just a Spielberg movie so don’t think a machine learning routine will be better than your two-year-old
• Unlink(edIn) – you don’t actually know or care about these people so just lose your con-nections
• Sh*tcoin – rid yourself of all digital currencies (along with South Sea shares and tulips). But if you can find a use for blockchain let me know
• Elf-driving vehicles – Get all the extras from the LOTR, Hobbit and other fantasy films to drive us around rather than entrust ourselves to replicants and T[esla]-1000s
• Ex-Uber-ant – get a real cab driver you can ignore or insult at your leisure (cf Lyft-off)
• Un-deliverance – save the planet by buying your stuff from a shop not the Internet so millions of white vans can stop clogging our roads and lungs. Even better stop buying stuff you don’t need
• De-FANG – stop using Facebook, Amazon, Netflix and Google to give local people a chance to make a decent living (see also Un-deliverance & Ex-Uber-ant)
• Con-Drone – unless you’re dropping drugs into prison there is no reason to fly a whining lethal rotorbot about
• Mangled Services – we’ll take what you currently manage quite well yourselves and utterly screw you around
• Aargh-orithms – Google’s PageWank feature and the aargh-orithmic trading platforms shows how to be incredibly stupid in less than the blink of an eye with, unfortunately, no eyes looking at the mess they are making
• De-mented Reality – are having adverts pop up in front of you through some steampunk goggles or on your smartphones really going to do anything more than increase admissions to Accident & Emergency wards?
• A Quantum of Hubris – anyone who thinks a few entangled qubits are going to deliver the ultimate computer anytime soon needs their decoherence managed

Now you too can be artificially hip, part of the ink-jet set, and totally with IT.

John ‘Phat Boy’ Moe