Recycled Bullsh-IT

If you’re reading this you are probably one of the many knowledge workers sent home to avoid infecting each other, while your organisation works out whether it will still exist when it’s safe to roll your bloated white bodies back out into the light blinking and wheezing in what will be remarkably clean and fresh air. Well, luckily your management will be so paranoid that they will now load your calendar with wall to wall conf calls on whatever creaking platform is up and running (Teams, Zoom, Webex, or Google Hangouts if you’re unlucky).

If this is new to you (or even if you used to ‘work at home’ on Fridays), here are my top tips for surviving @home over the coming weeks (or years if the scientists have completely cacked it up).

 Top T’working Tips:

• Going to the loo while connected will ALWAYS be found out, particularly if the webcam is left on
• Watching or doing stuff on another monitor (Netflix, YouTube, Fortnite, PornHub) can prove entertaining for everyone when you unmute the wrong speakers
• If you get caught out not listening, wait a few seconds then terminate your connection, and rejoin a minute later blaming BT/Virgin/children/Coronal Mass Ejection. No one will believe you but it saves face all round
• Turn off the mike when not talking so that your disgusting eating & drinking noises don’t completely sicken everyone else. Beware of any other noises you might start making as you slowly go stir crazy
• Remove your 50 Shades books and taste-free holiday knickknacks from the shelves behind you and replace with whatever humblebrag detritus you have – photos from your ‘charity’ walk up Kilimanjaro, JustGiving certificates, sports trophies (particularly your children’s), etc
• de rigueur dress of ‘business casual’ excludes jimjams, onesies, and any animal outfits (unless all your colleagues are also furries). Bare skin should be kept to a minimum (except for Houseparties)
• Watching too many fit trainers may end up exercising the wrong muscles
• No one warned you that standing desks lead to varicose veins and make it very painful to snooze at your desk
• Creating a stand-in AI-based chatbot to take your place is encouraged as it will raise the tone of the call – just link in old Max Headroom footage and no-one will be the wiser
• Finally, your questionable personal habits will become HD clear to your colleagues who will soon wish never to meet you in person again – so KEEP YOUR HANDS AWAY FROM YOUR FACE AND OTHER ORIFICES

John ”Solo”  Moe