For those of us furloughed or WFH (see my previous blog for other advice), you might be tempted to dust off your résumé as you worry whether your job/office/country/planet* (*delete as appropriate) will still be there when the pan(dem)ic dies down.
As we will probably be in a buyer’s market for the foreseeable future, you should consider sharpening up your CV, and your stiletto, to get past the crowd of colleagues & competitors in front of you. As ever, I have some dubious, deniable, and diabolical advice for you. Welcome to the 9 (Hel)Ls of CV Success:
Length
One of the joys of posting jobs online is wading through the hundreds or thousands of applications from the great unwashed. Nobody these days reads the whole CV. If it passes the quick Layout & Literacy hurdles below, the first half page will be scanned, and if sufficiently interesting, so might the rest of the first page. Anything else will have the same chance of being read as the penultimate chapter of War and Peace. So short and sweet not long and flabby; 2 pages plus or minus one
Last Job
What everyone will be interested in is the last job you did. And why you’re leaving it. So think about what you actually achieved (tricky isn’t it?), a good reason for leaving (avoid the euphemisms for being fired), and some link to the job on offer. Remember to keep it Accurate, Relevant, Specific, Efficient as everyone likes a Smart ARSE
Layout
I’m sure you’ve all had agencies and random peddlers offering to make your CV stand out and impress the recruiters. BEWARE! If someone is hiring and sees a bright glossy magazine of a CV come across their desk it is more likely to be filed in the recycling bin (unless, of course, it is for a job at Vogue or Harper’s Bazaar). Different coloured inks, comic fonts, non-standard formats, and (worst of all) 90-degree text are at best irritating, at worst criminal and will all be punished by immediate junking. Keep It Simple Stupid (but no kisses), B&W, newspaper font, headers & footings
Life History
If you believe your life story is endlessly fascinating, and feel the need to describe all your work life in minute detail, remember: no one else gives a flying duck. It may be fun writing it, but it is always tedious to read, so keep it short and relevant to the job in question. If, however, you are more of a wallflower and don’t believe you’ve ever done anything of interest, you may be right. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t apply. Most managers would be pathetically grateful for someone to just turn up and do what they’re asked to: they want common people – like you. So list what you have done that is similar to what the job ad states
Lies
To badly paraphrase a commonly misquoted soundbite: Half the content of CVs is lies, the trouble is no one knows which half. Of course there are shades of lies and most CV ’embellishments’ are a light shade of grey. My three cardinal rules are: 1) If it’s on the internet, go with it (whether it is true or not, because Google is Gospel, OK?); 2) Assume someone you worked with is going to see it so make sure no one can gainsay your bollocks; 3) If you’re in sales it needs to be 110% tall tales, with points docked for any truths that sneak in
Learning
I’m still amazed by how many job ads insist on specific degrees from top universities. My experience is that this may be true for brain surgery or rocket science, but not for sitting in an office, shuffling emails, and drinking vending machine coffee. For the younger generations it is just a huge financial millstone; for older folk like me it is just a yellowing piece of paper from 30 years ago that proves I spent three years hard drinking, and is hardly representative of what I can do now. And don’t get me started on MBAs whose sole purpose is to allow the big consultancies to charge eye-watering fees for the kids they field to (fail to) solve your complex business problems. Also, I find that no one is interested in what grade I got for GCSE O-level Geography, so leave out your school stuff
Literacy
Unlike what many progressive academics insist, spelling and grammar are important if you want to work in an office. This isn’t to filter out those with learning difficulties but to show you have sufficient attention to detail in your most important job-related document that you might be able to occasionally focus on the role they want you to fill. So, don’t write: Yo, Im kean on the it Dictators roll, innit 😉
If you must be on LockedIn, then make sure your CV and your profile match, however loosely. It will be checked if they like your CV, and in many cases, instead of your CV. Obviously the fibs are harder to get away with on a public profile so waffle, dissemble or just edit out the dross. Bribe some mates to endorse you – but read what they’ve written as there are some highly entertaining double-edged recommendations out there. BTW, all your other social media will also be checked so keep your neo-Nazi orgies and anarchist rallies off grid (unless it’s for investment banking)
Leisure
Ah, the trick category that is interests and hobbies. Good for entertaining bored HR folk as desperate applicants fill this section with the banal (cooking, other people, and dogs – though watch the punctuation), through false modesty (VSO [sunbathing in the Maldives], Working with Kids [whether they want you to or not], #MeToo [actually #MeMeMeToo]), to the downright WTF (Illuminati, Mail Order Brides, Onanism). Pick one truly interesting hobby (that is legal) and ditch the rest. Also remember that right now everyone hates joggers, cyclists and sourdough bakers, so leave them out too
Finally, good Luck to you Loyal, Literate, Likable Lot. We’re all going to need it!
John ‘Lucifer’ Moe
Recycled Bullsh-IT 
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