Recycled Bullsh-IT

Following on from my recent rant about CVs (see Seedy CV Wiki) how are we going to cope with the flood of firing, retiring and hiring that is taking place as the economy splutters back to a new ab-normal?

 Hopefully, at least one or two of you are in in good jobs with caring managers working for conscientious companies. The rest of us will take note of the leadershits and uncaring b’stards who have shown their true colours (cf 7 Profoundly Irritating Habits of Superficially Successful People) and do our best to pay them back appropriately.

 Many of us may be looking to secure gainful employment, or grow our organisation to take advantage of the many opportunities that will arise from this great pause, so here’s my guide to Effing (effective and efficient) Employment:

You’re Never Alone with A Clone

When recruiting in this period of fewer jobs than people looking, it is tempting to be too specific in your job spec as you reason that with a glut of applicants you can be even pickier than before. Why not just look for someone who has done an identical job in an identical business to yours? Well several things actually:

• Culture – they may have succeeded because they fitted the ways of working, there – but will be totally different in your set-up
• Resources – the systems and processes there made their job easier – can they cope with your own particular brand of chaos and flaky software?
• Associates – they probably got on well with the other inmates there and were supported by (or had all their work done by) a team of effective in-duh-viduals
• Providence – their achievements can be mostly down to luck – being in the right place at the right time

So is it all CRAP? Not totally. Some relevant experience is useful to minimise training and induction, but what you really need to know is whether they will succeed in your CRAP set-up. Here’s a better guide to suitability:

 Attitude beats Aptitude

Virtually all HR (Hampers Recruitment? Hiring Restrictor?) employment processes involve some personality testing (Myers Briggs, Big Five, Predictive Index) to determine what dimensions or role the candidates best fit. I’m not saying these don’t work but it’s fairly easy for a high functioning sociopath (like myself) to achieve whatever outcome is required to get through. Of course, a charming, manipulative, scheming individual may be just what you need (whether you know or not). However, in most cases you just need someone who wants to help you to meet your challenges and succeed – not just use you. For this you need someone with determination, a can-do attitude, good communication skills, problem-solving capability and a good balance between altruism and selfishness. Remember, psychometric tests will get you psychos.

 Application beats Qualification

I won’t repeat my tirade about over-emphasis on qualifications but in general business I’ve yet to come across any qualifications that make any difference to the performance of a person in a role. It still seems de rigueur in larger companies to expect senior people to have two or more degrees, but the only correlation I have seen is not capability, but just demand for more pay for more letters after their name. What you need is people who will wholeheartedly and creatively apply themselves to cracking on their objectives and making you successful.

 Thrills beat Skills

Fundamentally do you want some someone who knows what to do or someone who makes it happen? Obviously, both would be preferable, but I’d always go with the latter if pushed to choose. Part of this new world is the need to JFDI at pace, so having someone know the twelve-step programme is less useful then someone actually overcoming the problem. The world is now full of risk-averse change managers rather than dynamic change makers.

 People Beat Process

After you’ve finally digitally enabled your business and automated the boring tasks, you’re going to need bright, motivated people to innovate you out of the current funk. Don’t be tempted to impose stricter processes or over-complicate their life. The future will belong to those who can build a ventilator in 10 days, not those who fail to organise a pandemic response with 10 years warning.

 None of the above capabilities will be visible from the seedy CVs and Psycho testing, so you’ll still need to interview your candid-dates somehow. 

 Senses Working Overtime

We typically rely on all our senses to form an opinion on each other in traditional face-to-face interviews, although licking people to get a taste never seems to go down well. Now having to be video interviewed as a final step will prove challenging, so here’s my unreliable Sensory Underload checklist for those about to be remotely grilled:

 ·        Hygiene: Check out my T’working from Home – Recycled Bullsh-IT to avoid most of the faux pas you are likely to make pee(r)ing into your laptop from home. And don’t sit on your bed holding a hand mike particularly if it disappears out of sight when you’re not talking, unless they’re paying you well as a camgirl/boy

·        Looks: Although no one will admit it, the attractiveness of a candidate can influence their chances of getting the gig. I’m not just talking about your impure fantasies, but also the thought of working closely with them for the (un)foreseeable future. Granted that in my cave-dwelling IT world not cracking the lens would be a result; try to make an effort to appear presentable

·        Eye Contact: Have you noticed that no one on video conferences makes eye contact? It’s not (just) that you have a low attractiveness rating but is a real challenge the more the webcam is away from the centre of your screen. Try to look longingly interested at the webcam when they are talking to you. Particularly if they are paying you well.

·        Voice: Don’t shout. Or whisper. Or drone. Sound quality might be lower but you’re not playing Hamlet at the Old Vic, so keep it interesting and don’t force their noise-cancelling to cut in

·        Talking Heads: With the jerky animation and odd hairstyles it may feel like you’re in a bad Japanese animé so use (appropriate) smooth hand and head movements to appear engrossed but not gross

·        Cueing: Picking up on cues from the other person is tricky when you’re talking, but know when to shut up (hint: before the screen goes blank) and when to speak (not when the other person is talking). The Netflix logo flashing up reflected in their glasses is not a good sign.

To help you all get jobs in this brutal future, try Linkedr where you can easily swipe left through the hopeless profiles to find the diamond in the rough, though there’s no guarantee that you won’t get shafted.

John “Gis a Job” Moe