Recycled Bullsh-IT

Want to make an impact on your faraway colleagues? Frustrated at not being able to perch on someone’s desk for 30 mins while they’re trying to work? No one to talk at in the coffee area other than your going-nuclear family? Don’t worry – here’s my Checklist for Lockdown Meeting Mastery to ensure your cow-orkers don’t forget you in a hurry:

1. What is the Purpose of the Meeting?

a)      My diary’s looking a bit empty and I might get asked to do some real work

b)      I’m bored and need to annoy someone to make myself feel better

c)      Damn! Someone’s given me a task so I’ll invite everyone I know to do it for me instead

2. What’s the Meeting Agenda?

a)      I’ll keep it obtuse and enigmatic, so people have to join to find out what it’s about

b)      Blank as I don’t want to be caught going off-topic

c)      Ninety-nine items all circled in red to see who gets the reference to the 80’s hit by Nena

3.      Who Should Be There?

a)      Whomever I haven’t talked to in a while

b)      Everyone important I know so they can see I exist and am driving change/inertia/people up the wall*

c)      That b’stard who wasted two days of my life in a pointless workshop

4.      How Long Should it Be?

a)      Fifteen minutes rounded up to an hour to fill up the calendar

b)      Two hours to show how important I am the topic is

c)      Full day ‘brainstorming’ session as I haven’t got a clue what to do

5.      Who Should Chair the Meeting?

a)      I’ll chair and talk for fifty-five of the sixty minutes as it’s my meeting

b)      I’ll ask the most senior person I want to impress (via their PA so they won’t be able to refuse)

c)     Chairing is for wimps – real meetings are free-for-all especially conf calls where no one can hear anything because of interruptions and sound lag

6.      Who Takes the Minutes?

a)      I’ll take them so I can make up the actions to stiff everyone else and leave myself free to plot further

b)      Patronise the only female on the call into doing this unless that’s me, in which case bawl out the company for overt sexism

c)      I’m not stupid enough to document what’s been discussed, otherwise I can’t call another meeting to go over the same stuff again

7.      Should I Schedule a Follow-up?

a)      Too late, there’s now a weekly series in your diary ad infinitum

b)      Duh, of course! Meetings should have an R number >1

c)      I suppose so as we only managed to cover page 1 of the draft 0.2 Terms of Reference for the meeting today

8.      Face to Face, Voice or Video Meeting?

a)      F2F, so it’ll have to wait until next year when everyone will have forgotten about it. Or been fired

b)      Video, to force people to follow frustrating T’working from Home protocols

c)      Voice, as I’m sunbathing in the garden waiting for the BBQ

Answers:

• Mainly a), b) or c) – congratulations, you are supremely qualified as a Black Belt in Time Wasting and will be instrumental in the failure of our organisation
• Anything else – you may not be a total deadweight, but your colleagues will hate you for showing them up

 If you want further info I’ll send you a recurring Zoom invite to endlessly talk through this

 John ‘Lockdown to Meltdown’ Moe