Recycled Bullsh-IT

I’m sure we’re all reassured by the government announcement that lockdown is ending shortly and that we can all go back to the future in what has been termed the new normal. But how is going back to work going to work? Here’s my predictions on how the rest of the year will pan(ic) out:

 Ploughing your own furlough

For those still in work or furloughed, you can look forward to getting your consultation letters soon as your employers look to shake their own branches once the Chancellor’s magic money tree stops dropping fivers. As you and the millions of other leave(r)s swap Ways of Working for World of Warcraft, you may find mining for gold online more productive that applying for jobs

Stuck in the Middle with You

If you’re a middle manager (i.e. not a doer or leader, so most of us), you should be very afraid. Most of our minions have worked out they can quite effectively do their own thing better/faster/quicker without you so you’ll quickly go from Do! Do! to Dodo Doo-Doos

Pivot or Swivel

You may be exhorted to ‘pivot your business’ to recover from lockdown, which is a bit rich after three months of being told to swivel on it

I’m A Survivor

If you’re a hardcore survivalist, and you are forced to return to your office, you should have all the kit to win the war against the virus conspiracy:

• Full Noddy (NBC) suit to protect you
• Climbing gear to arrive and leave via the windows
• Your own survival rations
• Tablets to recycle your own urine
• A Large Crocodile Dundee knife to dissuade anyone from challenging you

Hairshirts and Haircuts

For those whose jobs have survived you’ll be expected to share your company’s pain by taking a pay cut to ensure your directors don’t lose their yachts and can still pay for their basement extensions.

And for those of us who care about our appearance good luck with getting that hair appointment before you get back in the office unless you’re willing to visit shady cut and blow dry dealers in the back streets…

Private Transport

 Let’s give a big shout-out to Extinction Rebellion who clearly saw this pandemic coming by disrupting trains and planes to warn us of the perils of public transport. Their message is obviously to pile into our cars and enjoy the low fuel costs with our windows closed and aircon on. Or you could get a (currently) illegal electric scooter and re-live Clive Sinclair’s hair-raising adventures on a C5 in traffic

Meetings & Greetings

Greetings will involve either shooting colleagues with a laser thermometer gun, or a Taser if they were one of the disgusting cow-orkers who revolted you with their personal habits over Zoom – see T’working From home

In meetings, everyone will have to sit facing the wall with their back to the table allowing you to nap better than in front of a video link. PissPoorPoints become, er, pointless so people need to actually talk clearly and to the point to avoid loud snoring

 Coughie Breaks

With no one wanting to squeeze into the office kitchenette or touch any communal dispensing machines, we’ll all be investing in Thermos flasks, disposable plastic water bottles and clingfilm-wrapped home-made lunches, as we rediscover the health benefits of plastic

Open Plague Seating

Hopefully, we see an end to the scourge of open plan seating that has saved our companies a fortune by cramming us closer together and taking away our screens. Hot desking? More like Covid hotspots.  Let’s hope we get a return to Dilbert-style cubicles, proper ventilation, and make the smokers go indoors while we enjoy their outdoor areas to relax and meet more safely

 The more you think about it the more sense it makes to stay at home, doesn’t it?

As Robert Wyatt sang in Elvis Costello’s masterpiece:

“With all the will in the world

Diving for dear life

When we could be diving for pearls

John “Coughing-dodger” Moe