Recycled Bullsh-IT

Well it’s that time of year, where the Research Fellows and futurologists of the few remaining analyst companies call their IT exec-olytes to their temples, ply them with the nectar of the gods, and pass down the tablets of stone containing their Ten Technological Truths for next year. These are carved with arcane runes that only the high priests of IT can translate into bite-sized buzzwords with which to baffle their detractors. Didn’t get an invite, stuck in a Tier 3 lockdown region, or maybe your tightwad company declined to expense a drink-fuelled infection-fest? Never fear as I have collated the ten most useful trigger phrases for you to baffle your board into bunging you a bundle for next year’s IT budget.

Each of these have been selected using the following strictly scientific criteria:

• It has appeared in the media, preferably spouted by that smug bloke on BBC Click
• It sounds futuristic and vaguely plausible, with some new TLAs
• All the words make sense separately but confusing when put together, so the meaning isn’t clear
• It can be shoehorned into discussions about a current business problem or opportunity
• It is expensive and complicated requiring significant investment and ‘testing’
• It is travelling up the Slope of Inflated Expectations
• It’ll look good on your CV

Ten Top Trendy Technology Triggers vs The Tedious Truth

1.      Total Experience

Apparently improving Customer & User Experience (CX/UX) to orgasmic levels is not enough, so take total sensory control of your victims to lock them into your product or service (also see The Customer is ‘king Furious)

2.      Internet of Behavio(u)rs

To help control the masses, gather every piece of personal data you can without them knowing, so you can enforce their fealty using altered reality

3.      Edge Computing is the New Cloud

Let’s bring the data and processing back to your sites where it will be faster and safer. New cloud is called distributed cloud so we won’t think that cloud is not the answer to the many problems it was supposed to solve

4.      Cybermesh

To stop other people stealing the data you’ve stolen off your customers, your Information Security Management System needs to move from perimeter to asset protection, particularly given future Edge-iness

5.      Hyper-automation

Robotic Process Automation (RPA) & chatbots are destined to increase irritation and annoyance with staff and users, as the drive for efficiency leaves clients screaming vernacular at the scripted bots as there aren’t any customer-facing people left in the organisation to help them

6.      Artificial intelligence Engineering

As even the most ardent AI disciples admit that if you train algorithms by pointing them at normal irrational, stressed, biased folk you end up with skewed ro-b(ig)ots. Some rigor and professional development are needed to make them useful not homicidal

7.      B2B Digital Pathways

With it now difficult to sway your corporate sponsors with cup final tickets or slap up meals, the time may finally have come to do business electronically by getting your bot to talk to the other supply chain bots. Expect bot bribery to become a thing

8.      Anywhere Operations

Not only is your cloud now distributed, but so are your staff and customers – get ready to use 3D printers and delivery drones to get supplies to your consumers, and replace your local staff with cheaper, really remote wage slaves

9.      Intelligent Composable Business

It has taken a crisis for most (remaining) organisations to realise they need to be adaptable and nimble to survive and thrive. Ironically, true agile has always been the answer, but the religion built around it has made it difficult for businesses to understand and buy into agile, let alone use it to truly transform 

10.  5G

Other than causing the coronavirus and frying our brains, will 5G deliver its promised benefits of low latency, blistering fast speeds and more connectivity in 2021? Of course not, as the infrastructure is still years away. However, it will reduce battery life significantly on your mobile and force you to do some real work while your shiny iPhone 12 recharges

Of course, these Technologies have yet to fully plumb the depths of the Trough of Disillusionment (or Chasm of Couldn’t give a Flying Duck in my case), but if you’re quick enough after peddling these dreams to your board you’ll be somewhere else hawking the 2022 hype by then.

Here’s to 2021 – Hype, Hype, Hurrah!

John ‘Recovering Analyst’ Moe