After my recent go at IT sales folk, I’ve been inundated by a request to do a hagiography of pre-sales, possibly from someone who hasn’t worked out that Moe’s M.O. is more hatchet job than hand job.
The Who
So, what is a pre-sales consultant (PSC)? Next time you are sitting in an interminable, flashy but trashy, presentation from an existing or potential IT Dementor vendor, have a look at the slightly uncomfortable person seated next to (or normally behind) the shiny suit droning on about random Features and Benefits (FAB!). Watch them try not to wince at every fantastical cliché the sales exec spouts. Observe their business attire which will be smart (M&S or Next suit) with some techie flourishes (just one pen in their top pocket, mini circuit board cufflinks, and a discrete lapel pin with “There’s no place like 127.0.0.1” written on it in a 1-point font).
Blur
What does the PSC-y person do?
- Weave in some truth to the fiction spewed out by the sales exec
- Come up with plausible and sound reasons you should buy their dubious product
- Smooth over the irritation and nausea you are feeling through non-threatening techie-speak
- Make you believe that their solution isn’t complete vapourware
- When all else fails they will nod and keep a straight face while their sales colleague utters enormous porkies
The Wanted
And what skills are needed to succeed in pre-sales?
- Fake a good demo, hiding the inevitable BSOD when your product craps out live
- Type impressively quickly with both hands, to show your tech cred
- Be bilingual – Speak techie & business
- Hide outward signs of your autism/Asperger’s/Tourette’s tendencies
- NEVER disagree with the mendacious sales exec in front of the prospect, despite usually extreme provocation
- Believe as many as six impossible things before breakfast © Red Queen, Alice through the Looking Glass
The Damned
Unfortunately, this role can corrupt the pure geek souls that are tempted to move across from IT by the glamour or money. Like Buffy’s Angel, they become a vampire with a soul who remembers and suffers for the bad sales/deeds they have done. They also start seeing themselves as superior to their old colleagues, with a range of inflated job titles, such as: Solution Specialist, Engagement Architect, Product Expert, Sales Engineer, Strategy consultant, and for the really vain, Field CTO(!)
It’s not all bad. Sure, Sales blame them for not bending the truth enough, and Delivery harangue them for agreeing to impossible timeframes/capability/cost. But they’re now living the high life with lots of exotic travel (just to their home office for now), enhanced status (universally scorned), and rolling in money (well, spare change from the sales exec’s fat wallet anyway).
John ‘Splodgenessabounds’ Moe
Recycled Bullsh-IT 
Leave a comment