Recycled Bullsh-IT

Most meetings are meaningless for the majority of members. They are probably the second most time-wasting business activity after emails. You’re probably reading this idly in a Zoom/Teams conf call with your microphone turned off, as some colleague dribbles on about whatever their pet peeve is today, or passively/aggressively pokes another participant. As I covered in Lockdown Meeting Mastery, most of these remote meetings are just ego trips for the bored and paranoid.

 However, as some of us tentatively venture back to the office, we should all take a vow to Make Meetings Meaningful. Or at least less miserable. Pick up some pertinent pointers, as I couldn’t resist the urge to P:

 Purpose not Procrastination

Sure, every meeting has a reason, but without a specific objective and clear outcome condition (normally agreed decisions and actions), you’re just wasting everyone’s time. Telling people stuff doesn’t justify a meeting, nor does filling empty spots in your diary. And definitely not for the coffee and free biscuits (remember them?).

 Preparation not PowerPoint

A clear agenda, required reading, and a list of the specific decisions to be made should be circulated beforehand. Turning up with an unseen PissPoorPoint and droning through the slides for the whole meeting is a no-no and should be punishable by inserting hot needles into your eyes as that’s what the rest of us have been doing all the way through.

 Propositions not Problems

Another lazy and irritating tactic is to bring along a problem from your day job to get everyone else to fix for you. To avoid being lynched, try to have some solutions thought through (and circulated ahead of the meeting) so the unwilling audience can help you get to a conclusion and accompanying set of actions quickly.

 Participants not Profusion

Some insecure people see the need for as many attendees as possible for their meetings so as to: Look Important*/Hide your inadequacies*/Cover your ass* (*delete as applicable – preferably all of them). You should take a RACI (Responsible, Accountable, Consulted, Informed) approach, where only the Responsible and Accountable should be invited, with the Consulted being sent the prep materials for comment, and the Informed receiving the meeting outputs.

 Politeness not Prosecution

Being polite in meetings isn’t just about being nice to everyone. It also means being inclusive to all the Participants, ensuring they get their say, listening to their input and not talking over them. Refraining from the vernacular or physically abusing the rest of the group is also to be encouraged.

 Prompt not Prolonged

Meetings should be no longer than they are needed to get to an outcome. If this can be done in 5 minutes, then stop – don’t pad out the rest of the session just because you had it booked. In any event, it is well documented that no one can concentrate for more than forty minutes, so no meeting should be booked for more than three quarters of an hour. I’d also propose to open a Tenth Circle of Hell for those who allow their meetings to overrun, thereby condemning the rest of us to repeatedly having to apologise to everyone else’s meetings as the knock-on cascades through the whole day.

 Remember, meetings aren’t work – they’re just interruptions. If you find you aren’t actually doing anything outside meetings you’re not in a real job and you are almost certainly a waste of space. So, in the words of Nancy Reagan, “Just Say No” to meetings.

John ‘MMMBop” Moe