Recycled Bullsh-IT

The second worst business activity, after Zoom calls obviously, is sitting through a presentation. Not one of mine, of course, but the vast majority of business presentations that must have been thought up in the 8th circle of hell given by some Charmless Man. After decades on the conference circuit and having inflicted years of torture on unfortunate colleagues who had to endure my experimental (just mental really) attempts to at least make them better than banging your head on a desk for 45 minutes, I am happy to give you A Sadist’s Guide to Punishing People with PissPoorPoint.

To keep you entertained along the way, as this isn’t a Sadist’s Guide to Writing Blogs – I’ll spring that on you unexpectedly one day so you can’t avoid it – I’ve poorly hidden song titles from my own record collection, so you can also guffaw or gasp in amazement at my taste in music. If you can guess the artist for all of them, you definitely need to get out more.

Don’t Know Why you need to do a presentation? Say When did you need an excuse to have A Little Less Conversation and more Talk Talk? It’s more Fun, Fun, Fun if you just Express Yourself as Nobody Does It Better than you!

Who Do You Think You Are: assume Nobody Knows You’re History, or Public Image. Start with My Name Is. This will only take a few slides covering your achievements, A First Picture of You, We Are Family snaps, your Kids’ exam results and some other Pictures of You with some Leader of the Pack who had no idea who you are.

What Difference Does it Make: don’t bother with clear Messages, just tell them a Never Ending Story that God Only Knows. Keep them on a Magical Mystery Tour by leaving them with Just a Feeling that you know The Key, The Secret.

The Intro and Outro: remember the old maxim – tell them what you’re going to tell them, tell them, then tell them what you told them. Do You Realize the audience will love hearing the same stuff as 3 is the Magic Number? You know you are succeeding in making an impact by the empty seats, and a Pretty Vacant audience with Not a Dry Eye in the House, as Tears are not Enough. That’s the Chain Reaction of the Power of Love.

It Ain’t What You Do It’s the Way That You Do It: make sure you have a lectern to Stand and Deliver behind, and don’t Move on Up for the duration of your talk. Boom! Shake the Room! Don’t try Talking Loud and clear. Keep your voice at a Flat Beat too to avoid their Senses Working Overtime.

Really Saying Something: Say What You Want! You are into full Orinoco Flow, and you shouldn’t have To Cut a Long Story Short – a long rambling anecdote will go down a storm, or A Design for Life, particularly if it not connected to the topic you are there to present. Watch them stab their pens into their own eyes in Joy. You’ll be wondering When do I Get to Sing ‘My Way’ at this rate! Remember Everything Counts in Large Amounts.

Seven Seconds: That’s all you would be allowed on each of your 257 slides if you kept to the pitiful 30 min slot you were allocated in the schedule. Don’t be a Three Minute Hero, there’s No Limit, so Rip It Up and enjoy Going for Gold by lovingly reading out Each and Every One. Ignore any Evil Eye, and don’t Shut your Mouth as you Careless Whisper your Opus 4 as you have all the Time in the World.

Fluffy Little Clouds: Get into the Groove, by using some Red Frame, White Light effects to show you’re In with the In Crowd, when it comes to the latest buzzwords and hype. Don’t Worry, Be Happy if you don’t understand the Technologic, they won’t either but will be Shiny Happy People wishing it was The Day Before You Came.

Should I Stay or Should I Go: With the crowd giving you the Slowhand as you get Stuck on Repeat, it would best to Leave a Little Love. Those looking at their watches are just admiring As Time Goes By. If you run over your allotted time, hey The Man Don’t Give a F**k. The chairman desperately waving at you from the back is obviously a fan, so keep Doin’ the Do with The Story of the Blues or Whatever You Want as your Big Mouth Strikes Again.

 Can You Feel It? Sometimes the Wonderful Life you have sucked out of the room will reappear, as fresh meat come into the hall to Sit Down misguidedly believing you’re the next speaker. Bask in the High Energy they generate as they Linger, Crawling From the Wreckage, waiting for the Hammer to Fall when they realise their mistake and can’t Take Me Out.

F*** You: So, they won’t Forget You in a hurry instead of the normal lame ‘Thank You’ slide, remind them who’s boss by having a truer end slide describing what you really think of them so they can Remember Me and then Die Another Day. Enjoy the Silence as you Fade to Grey by Showing Out.

Too Good to Be Forgotten: Congratulations! Having made such an Unforgettable impression, you can sit back and Relax awaiting the many invitations to repeat your good work at other conferences or team meetings. Unfortunately, these may not come because the organisers will be worried you will put the Common People to shame with your Brilliant Mind, so will sorrowfully not invite you back. (Don’t Fear) The Reaper. There are many conferences out there to be stunned by your Atmosphere you create so keep sending out your Wordy Rappinghood and puffed-up bio.

John “Slide Master” Moe