Recycled Bullsh-IT

Given you are probably reading this on LockedIn, you are almost certainly overfamiliar with the concept of business networking. Making and leveraging connections for personal and business gain is part of many people’s working life. Whether you like it or not. There are several good reasons to network, and a few cunning stunts to make it less painful. So, as you’d expect from one of these blogs, here’s my Grand Guide to Nifty Networking:

 Like To Get to Know You Well

There are four main reasons why people network:

 1.      Why Don’t You Get a Job?

If you are dabbling with the Great Resignation, you might want to talk to people you know who could be aware of other jobs. Hopefully you haven’t previously completely peed them off or blanked them when they were looking to move, otherwise they might suggest demeaning roles, or blank you back.

 2.      Sale of the Century

One of the key qualities for a sales professional is their ability to talk to many people and not be blocked or deleted by their pissy prospects.  Networking sniffs out sales opportunities and softens resistance to closing the deal.  If you’re on the receiving end of this sociopathic socialising, you’ll probably need a hot soapy shower afterwards to wash away that dirty used feeling.

 3.      Rise

Looking for promotion or a pay rise? Schmoozing your bosses and influential colleagues can help smooth your path to fame and riches, or at least reduce your chance of being first out when things go a bit Pete Tong.  It’s an unfortunate truism that managers treat staff they like better than those they don’t like or know that well. So even if you can’t stand your cow-leagues or mangler, you should put some effort into helping them remember you positively.

 4.      Boredom

If you’ve ever been stuck listening to a crashing bore at some company doo-doo, you’ll recognise that some perps just want to talk at you about themselves until you escape. Or top yourself. They will be either desperate to gas, or oblivious to their fatal impact on your feelings. Being polite can be difficult, but it’s also best not to antagonise the thick-skinned random cliché generator in front of you. Introduce them to one of your frenemies as an escape tactic.

Get The Party Started

Feeling nervous about navigating the networking neighbourhood? Here’s some top tips on tactical talking in tongues with t’other types:

 A.     Step On

 It can be daunting to approach a stranger to strike up a conversation, particularly if they are obviously popular, confident or just exuding menace. When you have chosen your victim:

• Prepare an appropriate opening icebreaker (NOT too weird “What vegetable is best with cheese?”, too boring “What do you do?”, or too threatening “Didn’t you kill my brother?” – unless you know they’re an Alexei Sayle fan)
• Straighten up and approach them
• Look them in the eye and speak your bon mots clearly
• Don’t run away

 B.     Happy Talk

Having a pleasant conversation requires you to do two main things:

• Listen, don’t just rehearse your next lines
• Show some interest in what they are saying, and respond positively when they stop talking

 DON’T laugh hysterically, look at your shoes all the time, glance over their shoulders at someone more interesting, or clam up completely

 C.     Really Saying Something

The content of what you are saying needs to have some relevant meat for the other person. Try following the BBC’s Reithian Principles: Inform, Educate and Entertain, but leave out the intimate details and the juggling. Your goal is to have them remember you in a positive light and be happy to talk to you again, not take out a restraining order.

 D.     Shut up and Let Me Go

One of the key tricks of good conversation is knowing when to stop. Keep your eyes and ears peeled for signs of boredom or impatience. Work on a few conversation exit strategies, or you’ll get a reputation for incontinence if you keep crossing your legs to excuse yourself.  Putting your fingers in your ears and shouting “LaLaLa!”, also works, but you won’t be able to talk to them ever again.

 Now, obviously, networking through Zoom calls or masks is a lot more challenging, so you’ll need to be a bit more direct and pointed in your exchanges. Old fashioned phone calls might work better as a follow up as there’s only so much of your cam gurning that people can usually stand.

 BTW, the tired advice to imagine the other party naked, or having a few stiff drinks before you start are guaranteed to make you less popular than a coughing anti-vaxer, so just don’t.

John “Have Your People Call My People” Moe