Recycled Bullsh-IT

As we approach our second crappy COVID Christmas, are you looking forward to your company Xmas party?

Other than the politicians, not many of us partied much last year. So, some of you were probably looking forward to letting down your lockdown locks and imbibing your annual C2H5OH allowance all in one go. But with the Ho-Ho-Ho-micron strain doing the rounds, your chances of getting a company-expensed happy ending to the year are looking slimmer than your increasingly unlikely annual bonus.

Fear not and follow my fun-filled festivity formula for forgetting the fetid fug we’re feeling.

Face to Face Fun

For the thrill seekers still planning to get together IRL and spread the, er, love, remember the following:

• Hands, Face, Space is not an invitation to get jiggy with it
• Hang the mistletoe on your boss’s back as his ass is the only kissing you should attempt
• Your face mask is great at hiding your disgust at your cow-orkers so sneer away all you want
• Drink lots as alcohol kills COVID [Ed: Are you sure?]
• Wipe down the photocopier before sitting on it. And after
• Screen cleaner sprays are effective at keeping overexcited colleagues at bay. If not, a stapler to the forehead works wonders
• Take a six-foot hula hoop with you to keep everyone at a safe distance if you’re fit enough, otherwise your massive lockdown spare tyre will probably manage just fine

Cam-connected Celebrations

For most of you, a pathetic and unwanted Zoom/Teams call will replace your Xmas party, so help your team make the most of it:

• Send a cheap Aldi hamper to your staff to show them you care, and enjoy seeing them squirm as they try to consume or dispose of the contents on camera
• Display a virtual party map with drinks tents, music stands, games zones, etc., to show everyone what they’re really missing. Again
• Dust off and dispatch your home-brewed beetroot wine to everyone so you can pocket the Christmas party fund. Watch their faces go as red as the wine when you force them to toast you!
• Hire an ‘entertaining’ comedian to perform live for you, such as Roy Chubby Brown, and take pleasure in building team spirit by getting everyone offended and furious together
• Ensure you have your Drone Metal playlist at full blast constantly, so everyone has to scream at each other to be heard while blood pours from their ears
• Use a prize draw to announce redundancies and layoffs, as everyone loves a surprise just before Xmas!

So, there you have it. What more fitting end to this shitty year could you wish for?

John ‘Santatiser’ Moe