Recycled Bullsh-IT

Having survived your COVID Company Christmas Party and looking forward to becoming oblivious over the festive period, you probably don’t want to consider yet how next year’s annus horribilis is likely to turn out. Don’t worry! I’ve done the work for you. Feel free to copy and paste my depressing drivel into any New Year’s Resolutions or ‘planning’ reports you may be forced to submit to your seven lords a leaping:

 Pisspoor Predictions

• Furlough becomes the most sought-after job as people realise that getting paid a bit less to do nothing isn’t that bad after all
• Mask wearing becomes a status symbol, so expect full face coverings, space helmets and complete Nuclear, Biological & Chemical (NBC) suits to become high fashion
•  Coughing in a meeting becomes punishable by 50 lashes for a first offence, escalating to being hung, drawn and quartered for a repeat offender
•  The unvaccinated join the list of undesirables below estate agents and lawyers, but still above politicians
• As the hospitality sector goes into terminal decline, haptic feedback clothes and, er, devices flood the market to allow people to interact with each other remotely. Just remember to switch off your webcam when it gets too intimate
• Surrogate attendees are recruited to turn up to meetings in place of business, media (and actual) royalty armed with Apple/Google/Meta glasses and earpieces to interact IRL

 Pass the Bucket List

• Turn your fetish into a money spinner on OnlyFans so you can WFH in leisure
• Build a personal AI bot to take your place on the Zoom/Teams call by filming yourself in a mask looking bored, looped with a soundtrack of the normal inane things you say on calls. No one will tell the difference and you can spend more time monetising your fetish
• Take part in the Great Resignation to find a desperate company that will allow you to work from your holiday bucket list locations throughout the year AND pay for your travel and accommodation. Or, if you’re my age, a non-stop around-the-world cruise
• Have a tour around your old place of work and marvel at the mausoleum to prehistoric working practices it has become
• Become a mentor to some poor Gen Z graduate who has never worked onsite and explain the humiliation and pain they have avoided by not being in a noisy, smelly, bitchy open plan office
• Think seriously about losing your lockdown lard, before shaking your head and digging into the mound of mince pies and chocolate reindeer in front of you

 TBH, this is likely to be true for the next few years until the world runs out of Greek letters for each variant and civilisation disintegrates. Cheers!

John “Moemega Variant” Moe